I had never been in a relationship. But I had craved one for so long. I desperately wanted someone who would be in my corner, who I could share deep feelings with, who would stay with me & fill me with joy. Someone who would hold me close & make me feel safe. Someone who I could share a romance with. Even a life with.

But no one ever did.

Many people around me who knew me well always told me, “once you stop looking, it’ll happen.” For me, I thought it was impossible to stop thinking about love. Everyone around me were in relationships, had a crush on each other but hadn’t made a move yet, or married with children, or even divorced but in new relationships. All around me there was love & romance, but mine was nowhere to be found.

But then I started to think, “am I the problem?” But I’m not mean, I’m pretty self aware… I try to take care of others as much as I can… so maybe it’s something about me I can’t change. Maybe I’m just not romanceable, someone unattractive. Maybe I’m just ugly. Maybe I’m not skinny enough. 

In a world of roses, tulips, lillies, sunflowers, & daisies, maybe I’m just a weed. An invasive & annoying little plant. Every day, bees would check out all the other flowers, sometimes bees would even fly around the weeds, but they never stuck around too long. Until one day, one made me feel special.

It started off like every other acquaintance I had, until they made the first move, & I had never been more nervous, afraid, & excited about meeting with someone in my life. Finally, my first shot at a potential romance! But I wouldn’t let myself think that far, because maybe it won’t happen if I look too far, if I fantasize too much. But nonetheless, I was feeling emotions I had never felt before.

I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to wear! Should I wear this? But it looks like I’m trying too hard. What about this? A little too sexy, & this is just the first date. This? Too boring! 

I felt like I was in those movies I watched growing up of the “getting ready” montage, & I was so giddy about it.

They picked me up, & we set sail! We walked around at night under the stars near the docks & talked & joked so much it felt like this might not be real. When they were taking me home, I didn’t want the night to end. But it had to.

After this magical night, I couldn’t believe what had happened the next day…

& I beat myself up for it. I hated myself that romance might be in my future. I look back on this now, & I don’t know why this was. I barely looked at my phone, because I didn’t want to see anything being texted to me that maybe they hated it & would never want to speak to me again, or if they loved it & wanted to see me again. I hated & was fearful for either option. But at the end of the day, when I gathered up the courage to look at my phone, there was nothing. I thought, “okay, maybe something came up”

The next day, there was nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing again,

& nothing. 

Two weeks had passed by, & still nothing. I felt anger, but I knew why. Because I didn’t want to feel sadness & how pathetic I was.

I had decided to just move on with my life after this little moment that would probably never happen again, & bought some cute dresses to make me feel better. They contacted me then, & had an excuse as to why they didn’t contact me. Was it a whole bunch of bull? I don’t know, but I decided to let it go. Then they asked to see me in the dresses, & I agreed.

This was the beginning of something that ripped my heart out, spit on it, & shoved it back into my chest. Only one other time was there a date, & they didn’t even think it was a date. After this, I was desperate, & I will admit it. I was desperate for love. So desperate, I would do anything to make them like me. Even things I never said I’d do with someone who I wasn’t with. Biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

But at least we never kissed on the mouth, right? Good thing I made that rule.

If their mental state were a turbulent ocean that they were stuck in, & I was a ship that sailed into it, my soul would be the anchor I let out to wait for him to set sail with me. I waited. I waited for a long time, while my ship deteriorated from the constant weathering of the water, patching up any damages with duct tape. 

Then another ship sailed in, & they cut my rope & set sail on it, gone in seconds, while I descended for months, detached. 

Until I hit the sea floor. Brim with life, stillness, & silence. A perfect time to self reflect in the clarity of the water surrounding me. I could finally see things that I ignored before, literally putting rose-colored glasses on. I could see that they saw me with lust- colored glasses, & wanted nothing else. But why didn’t they just tell me straight up? That was the question beating on my brain. I didn’t want a friend with benefits, but I let it happen thinking it would turn into love. But if a relationship were to have a foundation of something that crushed my values, what was the point of having one? It’s not even love anymore, just complacency for the desperation of something that was nothing like I wanted anyway. I wanted love. That was not love.

Time has passed, & on my anchor, barnacles have strengthened my outer shell, corals fill my soul with color & openness & fish friends surround me, brimming with love. Maybe one day I’ll attach myself to my ship again & look for love, but for now, I look back on that chapter in my life & I am starting to be grateful for it, as now I know exactly what I don’t want. I know that I will be way pickier & not put a million bucks on a pretty face. The personality is much more colorful anyway. Last thing is, I will not fiend for love anymore, romantic love, at least. It probably won’t happen for me in this lifetime anyway. All the other loves are more fulfilling for me.

I hope you find love that is graceful, careful, & gentle. That your ships sail safely & forever.

To wrap this up in a silly little bow, one thing I can take from this, is that I was never ugly & in fact, I had never realized I could be a Vixen.

-Schoofy <3

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